Good God.
Come in...
and I'll show you everything you need to know.
May I wash you?
Groovy, baby.
That feels yummy.
In Japan, men come first, and women come second.
Or sometimes not at all.
Care for some saké?
Saké it to me, baby.
Kinky.
Klinky.
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?
I feel extreme relaxation.
How dare you break wind before me?
I'm sorry. I didn't know it was your turn.
Pardon me for being rude.
It was my food.
It just popped up to say hello...
and now it's gone back down below.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
Let's make love...
you silly hairy little man.
I say! Hello, vicar.
That's the spot, all right.
That's the spot right there. Look at that, now.
Austin Powers is getting too close.
Any suggestions?
I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat Austin Powers.
Bring in the fembots!
Go, fembots!
These are the latest word in android replicant technology.
Lethal, efficient, brutal.
No man can resist their charm.
Send in the guards!
Kill these women.
Quite impressive.
Thank you, herr doctor.
I like to see girls of that...caliber.
By caliber, of course...
I mean both the size of their gun barrels...
and the high quality of their character.
It's two meanings. Caliber--it's a homonym.
Forget it.
At ease, boys.
I want to show you something.
We're going to outfit you with this.
It looks like a watch, but, in fact...
it's a geosynchronous positioning device.
Very shagadelic.
And then there's this.
Let me guess.
The floss is garrote wire...
the toothpaste is plastic explosives...
and the toothbrush is the detonation device.
No, actually.
Since you've been frozen, there have been fabulous advances...
in the field of dentistry.
What do you mean?
Nothing.
Here's Basil.
Let me bring you up to speed.
Dr. Evil has hijacked a nuclear warhead...
from Kreplachistan.
Only two things scare me, and one is nuclear war.
What's the other?
Excuse me?
What's the other thing that scares you?
Carnies.
Circus folk.
Nomads, you know.
Smell like cabbage.
Small hands.
Indeed.
Perhaps these photographs are the last piece of the puzzle.
I've uncovered the details of Project Vulcan.
Oh, good God. An underground missile?
Where did you find these?
Austin did some reconnaissance work last night...
at Alotta Fagina's penthouse.
Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon.
Any ideas?
Virtucon runs a tour of its facility every hour.
I thought we could disguise ourselves as tourists...
and do some on-site reconnaissance.
Top drawer, Kensington.
Austin, I'd like you to meet somebody.
This is my mother-- Mrs. Exposition.
How do you do?
My God, man, what have you done?
That's not your mother. It's a man, baby!
Get off! Come on!
Why won't this wig come off?
Hold on one second.
Let go of my mother!
Are you all right?
Austin, have you gone mad?
You have a lot of explaining to do.
I'm sorry. I thought she was a man.
Damn it, you're talking about my mother!
You have to admit, she is rather mannish.
No offense, but if that is a woman...
it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick.
Really, Austin.
Give in to the beauty of your feelings and say the words.
Come on.
I love you, Dad.
I love you, too, son.
Group, we have some newcomers here today with us.
Say hello to Scott and his father Mr...Avil?
Evil, actually.
Hello, everybody.
Scott, why don't we start with you?
What brings you here with us today?
I just really met my dad for the first time 5 days ago.
I was partially frozen his whole life.
That is beautiful that you can admit to that.
He comes back and wants me to take over the family business.
But, Scott, who's going to take over the world when I die?
Listen to the words he used--
Who's going to take over the world when I die?"
It feels like that to some of us sometimes, doesn't it?
What do you want to do, Scott?
I don't know. I was thinking I like animals.
Maybe I'd be a vet.
An evil vet?
No. Maybe work in a petting zoo.
An evil petting zoo?
You always do that!
I think he hates me.
I really think he wants to kill me.
Scott, we don't want to kill each other in here.
We might say that we do sometimes...
but we really don't.
Actually, the boy's quite astute.
I really am trying to kill him, but, so far, unsuccessfully.
He's quite wily, like his old man.
This is what I'm talking about.
We've heard from you, Scott.
Now you tell us something about yourself.
The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
Please. Let's hear about your childhood.
-Yeah. -Come on.
Very well. Where do I begin?
My father was a relentlessly self-improving...
boulangerie owner from Belgium...
with low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a 15-year-old French prostitute named Chloe...
with webbed feet.
My father would womanize, drink.
He would make outrageous claims...
Iike he invented the question mark.
Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy...
the sort of general malaise...
that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical--
summers in Rangoon, luge lessons.
In the spring, we'd make meat helmets.
When I was insolent...
I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds.
Pretty standard, really.
At the age of 12, I received my first scribe.
At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma...
ritualistically shaved my testicles.
There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum.
It's breathtaking. I suggest you try it.
You know, we have to stop.
Austin, can I have a word with you?
Of course you may, luv.
I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off...
this suspicious feeling about that ltalian secretary.
You know, Miss Fagina.
I don't want to sound paranoid...
but I've had some bad relationships in the past...
and I have been known to be jealous.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, baby.
You're right to be suspicious.
I shagged her.
What?
I shagged her rotten, baby!
I don't believe you. She was repellent.
Saucer of milk, table two.
But did you use protection?
Of course. I had my nine-millimeter automatic.
I meant did you use a condom?
Only sailors use condoms, baby.
Not in the nineties.
Well, they should, those filthy beggars.
They go from port to port.
Don't have a thrombo.
Alotta meant nothing to me.
It means something to me.
If you want us to have a relationship...
get it into your head that times have changed.
You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore.
And if you could, I wouldn't, because I'm not like that.
You're everything to me.
You just don't get it, do you?
Good night, Austin.
Welcome to the nineties.
You're going to be very lonely.
Check this guy out.
Peace.
Jimi Hendrix--deceased.
Drugs.
Janis Joplin.
Deceased, alcohol.
Mama Cass.
Deceased, ham sandwich.
That's great. Is the lighting halfway decent?
Yes, indeed. They got the flag up now.
You can see the stars and stripes.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
Good morning, Austin.
I sometimes forget...
you've missed out on the last 30 years.
Fall of the Berlin Wall...
the first female British Prime Minister...
end of apartheid.
Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay.
I mean, women loved him.
I didn't see that one coming.
The tour is about to begin...
so if you'll please take your seats...
Welcome to Virtucon, company of the future.
Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items...
you can find right in your very own home.
Do you think she's prettier than me?
Who?
You know who.
Oh, the ltalian bird.
No, baby. She's rancid.
I think you're shagadelic, baby.
You're switched on. You're smashing.
We make steel, petroleum products...
and volatile chemicals.
But don't worry about the ltalian bird.
She's the village bicycle.
Everyone's had a ride.
On your right, you'll notice a door...
Ieading to a restricted area.
Only authorized personnel are allowed...
I'll take him.
You take her.
Let's go.
It's Bolton. We've got a problem.
Intruders in the complex.
Watch out.
-Halt. -This way.
Judo chop!
They're coming!
Hang on. I'm going to floor it.
Watch out. Move!
Careful, Austin.
Watch out!
Come on, let's go.
Thank goodness we made it.
Stay very cool, baby.
Welcome to my underground lair.
You're just in time.
Enjoy the show.
Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan...
the world's most powerful subterranean drill.
Does that make you horny?
Not now, Austin.
So powerful, it can penetrate the earth's crust...
delivering a 50-kiloton nuclear warhead...
deep into the liquid hot core of the planet.
Upon detonation, every volcano on earth will erupt.
It seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.
You have my instructions. Bye-bye.
Check it out, butt-head. This chick has three boobs.
How many butts does she have?
Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes?
I designed them myself.
Scott, my boy, how are you?
How was your day?
My friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town.
They don't speak English, so Jay got into a fight...
and he's all, Quit hassling me 'cause I don't speak French."
And then the guy says something in Paris talk...
and I'm like, Just back off."
And they're all, Get out."
And we're like, Make me."
It was cool.
Fascinating.
What are your plans for this evening?
I thought I'd stay in.
There's a good titty movie on Skinimax.
And that's how you'd like to live your life?
Pretty much.
What?
Scott, I want you to meet Daddy's nemesis Austin Powers.
Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
I have an even better idea.
I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation...
involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you just shoot him now?
I'll go get a gun. We'll shoot him together.
It'll be fun. Bang! Dead. Done.
One more peep out of you and you are grounded, mister...
and I am not joking.
All right. Let's begin.
You really expect them to pay?
I expect them to die.
Even after they pay me the money...
I'm still going to melt every city on the planet...
with liquid hot magma.
Release the sharks!
You'll notice that all the sharks...
have laser beams attached to their heads.
I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks.
When you were frozen...
they were put on the endangered species list.
We tried to get some...
but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.
I have one simple request...
and that is to have sharks...
with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!
Evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me...
that that can't be done.
Can you remind me what I pay you people for?
Honestly, throw me a bone here.
What do we have?
Sea bass.
They are mutated sea bass.
Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Absolutely.
That's a start.
All right, guard...
begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Close the tank!
Aren't you even going to watch them?
They could get away.
I'm going to leave them alone...
and not actually witness them dying.
I'm just going to assume it all went to plan.
I have a gun in my room.
You give me five seconds, I'll get it.
I'll come back, boom! I'll blow their brains out.
You just don't get it, do you?
You don't.
It's no hassle.
-Knock knock. -Who's there?
Let me tell you a little story about a man named shh!"
Even before you start, that was a preemptive shh!"
Just know I have a whole bag of shh" with your name on it.
What's your plan?
First, I plan to soil myself...
then I'm going to regroup and come up with a new plan.
Any thoughts?
Wait a minute.
I always have this with me, just in case.
I get it. I have bad teeth.
No, Austin. The floss is to swing ourselves onto the ledge.
All right. Hold on.
Got it. OK. Toothpaste.
Judo chop!
Hang on!
Judo trip.
Not a good time to lose one's head.
Indeed.
That's not the way to get ahead in life.
It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
That'll do.
What are we going to do?
There's an emergency exit. Go get help.
I'm going to stay here and keep an eye on Dr. Evil.
I'll hurry back.
Whatever happens, I want you to know...
that I feel really bad about that ltalian bird.
What I'm trying to say is...
that if you want me to be a one-woman man...
that's just groovy, baby.
Behave.
Come, everyone.
Let us repair to the main chamber.
Project Vulcan is about to begin.
Scott, don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?
Blow me.
Excuse me?
Show me.
Position the Vulcan.
Bring in the warhead.
Care to have a little fun?
No, actually... I have to save the world.
Is it cold in here?
Arm the probe.
I've got to get Dr. Evil.
Baseball, cold showers.
Give it up, Mr. Powers.
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.
Gentlemen.
Let's lock and load.
Right, lads.
-Don't go. -Stay with us.
Please don't go.
You can't resist us.
Au contraire, baby.
I think you can't resist me.
It's not what it seems.
At ease, boys.
Likewise.
Vanessa, I can explain.
What happened was I broke in trying to get to Dr. Evil.
Then all of a sudden, the fembots came by...
and smoke started to come out of their jumblies.
So I thought I'd work my mojo to counter their mojo.
We got cross-mojonations, and their heads started exploding.
You know, that thing, and I ended up in my knickers here...
I believe you.
Now get dressed.
Smashing, baby.
Onward, boys.
Launching the subterranean probe.
Begin initial surface penetration.
Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting.
Watch out!
Right front!
Subterranean nuclear detonation in three minutes and counting.
Oh, I tripped!
Open the frickin' door!
Probe destruction beginning in...
Judo!
Abort.
Now to Dr. Evil.
Din-din.
I want chicken, I want liver.
Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver.
I've got you now, Dr. Evil.
Well done, Mr. Powers.
We're not so different, you and l.
However, isn't it ironic, the very things you stand for...
free love, swinging parties, are all now in the nineties...
considered to be...evil?
What we swingers were rebelling against...
is uptight squares like you...
whose bag was money and world domination.
We were innocent, man.
If we'd known the consequences of our sexual liberation...
we would have done things differently...
but the spirit would've remained the same.
It's freedom, baby.
Face it.
Freedom failed.
No, man, freedom didn't fail.
Right now, we've got freedom and responsibility.
It's a very groovy time.
There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.
All right, baldy. Shut your cakehole.
Come on. Let's go. On your bike.
Not so fast.
It seems the tables have turned, Mr. Powers.
Go ahead, Austin. Don't worry about me.
I can take my Sega, right, Dad?
It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Not really. Kill the little bastard.
See what I care.
But, Dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
I had the group liquidated, you little shit.
They were insolent.
I hate you!
I wish I was never artificially created in a lab.
Scott, that hurts Daddy when you say that, honestly.
Your timing is impeccable.
Go ahead. Take Mr. Powers away.
What?
Dr. Evil, I've spent 30 years of my life...
turning this two-bit evil empire...
into a world-class multinational.
I was going to have a cover story in Forbes.
But, you, like an idiot, wanted to take over the world...
and you don't realize there is no world anymore.
It's only corporations.
Silence, Number Two!
I've had enough of you pushing me around.
I have a business proposition you might find very interesting.
All right. I've had enough.
Judo chop!
The complex will self-destruct.
Let's split! Let's go!
This place is going to blow!
The complex will self-destruct.
This way, Austin.
Come on, baby! It's gonna blow!
Let's go. Move it!
I love you, Mr. Powers.
And I love you, Mrs. Powers.
That'll be Basil Exposition.
Ignore it, Austin. Come back to bed.
Duty calls, baby.
I hope I'm not interrupting your honeymoon.
No, not at all, Basil.
Did you get that fruit basket I sent you?
Yes, we did, Basil, but you sent too much.
I'm gonna have to send some to my mother.
Don't forget these.
Thanks.
There you go.
Did you get my other gift?
We did.
Yes, Basil, nice rack.
But who in the world gave us this drawing?
It's bizarre.
As you know, Dr. Evil has escaped in his rocket...
which has disappeared from our tracking system.
Hold on. Coffee?
And, Vanessa, by the way, you have been made a full agent.
That's fantastic! Thanks.
Milk?
And, Austin, Her Majesty the Queen informs me...
that you are to be knighted.
Very shagadelic!
The best of luck to both of you!
Thanks, Basil.
You know, Vanessa...
I'll never forget the first time I saw you.
You were so incredibly beautiful...
so incredibly sexy...
I knew I had to have you...
right then and there.
Did you feel the same way?
Actually, I couldn't stop staring at your teeth.
I ordered some champagne. Come in!
Lovely, Austin.
Right over there's fine. Thank you.
Let's go out on the terrace. It's a beautiful night.
We can look at the stars.
Smashing idea, baby.
Look at you.
Look out!
That really hurt!
I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot.
Who throws a shoe? Honestly.
You fight like a woman.
Honestly, it's not mine.
No, use it.
Look how beautiful the night sky is.
Isn't that the Big Dipper?
Yeah, and that looks just like Uranus.
I've never seen that big star before.
What is that?
Good God.
I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.
It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Darling, you look fabulous.
All right. There we go.
Look at that face. Show me. Come on.
There. Bit of hair.
Smashing.
It's coming around now.
It's not working!
Go change. There you go.
Can you change her? ls that all right?
Very good.
And right here. Looking right there.
I'm not even looking.
You're wicked!
You got your mojo working overtime, darling.
I'm not even shooting it. It's insane.
Smashing.
Can I get a smile?
Come on, you boys. Get together.
Good. Lovin' it.
Let's make a Vanessa sandwich.
The winged horn.
Come on, Austin. Give it to me.
Oh, behave.
You're an animal!
That's it.
Just the top of the hair.
Born and shoot.
Try it one more time.
And born and shoot.
That's it.
Let's go. Come on.
Ignore this.
Ignore me doing this.
Fabulous, darling.
Show me the eye.
Never get up. I'm spent!
We'll take you, and we'll go out on the town...
and swing, baby.
Missis...
Will ya...
Make me tea?
Make love to me...
Put on the telly...
To the BBC?
BBC One.
BBC Two.
BBC Three.
BBC Four.
BBC Five.
BBC Six.
BBC Seven.
BBC heaven.
Missis...
Will ya...
Make me tea?
Make love to me...
Put on the telly...
To the BBC?
BBC One.
BBC Two.
BBC Three.
BBC Four.
BBC Five.
BBC Six.
BBC Seven.
BBC heaven.
Missis...
Will ya...
Make me tea?
Make love to me...
Put on the telly...
To the BBC?
BBC One.
BBC Two.
What is that?
Good God.
I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.
It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Darling, you look fabulous.